Why ?

I guess I just realized, I'm not in my best part of my life right now... And I only ask why this is happening to me, and why do YOU do this to me ?

Just need someone to talk to...

Fail,

Hmph, failure. How could I ? I'm Sorry...

End of Springbreak,

So it has come to the ending of my springbreak & I really don't want to go to school. I'm supose to be sleeping right now, but I can't since this stupid project & I'm talking to Joootz, chillinn right now. Were hella talking right now, being hella random cause were so tired. We don't even want to go to school tmrw so we have a Plan B x] But anyways, I just wanted to blog about springbreak to wrap it up, so overall it was pretty coool.

Friday : Went home from school and chilled, went to church for Good Friday and got my feet washed by Father Geoffrey, chilled the rest of the night with Collins and them, then went home, figuring out my plans for Springbreak.

Saturday : Went to my homegirl's Quince, it was cool, & went home tired.

Sunday : Church, eat out with fam, chilled with my brooskii, did some errands and went to SpringFling, was pretty cracknn.

Monday : That day was pretty chill, I didn't really do anything that day. Just did SOME homework, lagged on my project, and just hanged out at home that day. Jotz came over and me, my dad, and Jotz went to go get Tuttimelon before my dad went to work.

Tuesday : I don't even remember doing something on Tuesday.

Wednesday : I went to Mission Peaks with my Best, oh what an experience, it was pretty fun & tiring at the same time but it was pretty cool. After I went to wingstop for AC's 1 year Anniversary but not everyone was there but its alright. After that, I went home and chilled the rest of my day because I was hella tired. And if anything happend, I forgot xD

Thursday : Woke up early & got ready, and went to SF with hella heads, chilled there for almost most of my day, and then went back home, then went to UL to go to Tuttimelon & In-N-Out, after that I went back home because it was getting pretty late.

Friday : I felt pretty good that we made up and we didn't have to worry about not talking to eachother because that was pretty hard to do, and it hurted alot to know that I could've been talking to my Best the whole day. I went to my brother's place to sleepover because we were going to PGA the next day, and I chilled there for the other half of my day, I came upon problems and ended up going to Marina with him. Then went home after, pretty tired.

Saturday : I woke up, got ready & waited for my brother to get me. I got all my things ready, pacing myself for the hot weather and just chillinn back. I got picked up, ended up cleaning my brother's car a little bit for the meet and then we bounced. Came to the meet, and we went to PGA and left my bro with the rest of the mazda people. I had fun watching Reina go on rides and alla that, it was pretty chill, didn't go on much rides, but its all good. I got darker that day but its watever, came back to my brother's place from a long day from PGA and toke a nap. Me & my brother went out for awhile, and then I went home.

Sunday : So this was supose to be my chill day and to finally do my PROJECT, I chilled with my dad and ate, I was working on my outline for my project and then I got ready for church. I wemt to church and chilled with them emmaus people at Tuttimelon. Then I went home to go finish my project, then I went out again to get some food and I didn't end up going to sleep as I expected and ended up going to sleep around 4 ? Because I was on the phone with Jotz and we were both working on our projects and being hella random because it was hella late, then I called my Best and I was being hella random with him cause it was hella late and I couldn't sleep.

And here we are today, woke up early enough and I didn't expect it. Got ready & was ready for the hot ass day we had. Best forgot to walk me to school but its cool. Had a TIRING and HOT day, omg -_- But there was finally Youth today, and I was pretty excited. All we did was skits today, about friendship and alla that. I went home and here I am.

****Sorry, but my days might not be as accurate because I kinda forgot what I did on those days, so yeah. But it's what I can remember for right now.

Thanks for reading, kthxbyeeee !

Weak,

Weak.mp3

Because as I came across that song, it reminded me of the sound effects and weird laughes we went through going down mission peaks, and I started to sing that song because my knees were dieing out going down that damn "hill" or mountain ? Hah, good times. "Skuuuuuuuuuuur" :]

Wonderful,

Something ima miss hearing for awhile, but anyways...
I had a loooooong day today, it was fun yet different. Started off waking up a couple of times this morning, but I got up around 8. Went on the computer to kill time, and I started to get ready. Started to hit people up, and seeing wsup. Allie and Ej came over to kill time too, then we went off to bart. We met up with ALMOST everyone, got my ticket, and everyone elses since they didn't know how lmao. We had some laggers, but we left anyways since we had some people waiting at Bayfair for us. Just when we were on bart going towards Hayward, I had to go back to pick up the rest of our friends because they didn't know how to take bart either. So, me and my two other friends, came back with me to UC bart and waited for their butts to be there. We waited for hella days, and I was hella stressing because I was calling people one after another, and we ended up going back on bart around 12:10. After that, we met up with the rest and headed to SF. Once we got there, we went to the mall and went to the places we wanted to go. We kinda split apart but we managed to all meet up after. Honestly, I was kinda pissed, well not pissed, but I got kinda irritated because I had people call me nonstop, asking where we were and what not, I guess its cause I'm like their little tour guide, and I'm the only one who really knew the city. We finally went out of the mall, and went to H&M since Alex wanted to go so bad, after that, we were hungry and went to Blondie's Pizza right down the street. We saw the rest of the group, but most of the guys went off on their own, and the main group were downstairs eating the bomb pizza and cheesy fries haha. After we were done, we went to urbanoutfitters, and back to market to meet up with two other people. I spent my whole time buying what my parents needed, and bought my dad's bday present, and I didn't want to leave SF without buying myself something at least. So, I wanted to go to Haight while whoever else wanted to go to Metreon, but they didn't want to split, and they didn't care anyways, so I brought them all to Haight. The bus we toke wasn't the best experience, since it was soo crowded, but it was fun though. We got to Haight, went to Stussy, then to True, I got a jacket [surprising how it was still there from the last time I went there], and we headed back since Jotz had to go back home. Caught bart pretty fast, wasn't much of a wait cause I guess we were messing around alot. Hoped on bart, was hellaa heads up in there, and everyone seemed to be pretty tired. It wasn't everyone, but it was alright. I ended up lipsyncing and dancing to my friends ipod since I was soo bored, and this one fool was looking at me -_- Corey and them went back to Bayfair, as for me and the rest went back home towards UC.

Home at last, but I felt my night wasn't over yet. So I dropped off my things at home and me & Alex went to UL to get some Tuttimelon. We were waiting HELLA LONG for the stupid bus, and we kept seeing other buses going to other bus stations, so I was like forget it, lets go to the one near Logan. But just as we were walking, we finally saw the bus come upon the bus spot we were just on, so we ran back and got on the bus. Got to UL, went to Tuttimelon and walked around to kill time, we ate at In-n-out and headed towards the bus spot. As we were waiting for the bus, Alex had to hella pee, so I told him I would wait for him and that he should run, so he did, but once he got to the entrance, the bus came ! So I started to hella laugh, and I yelled at him, he came running back tryna come back before the bus came, and we got in, in time.

And here I am, finally at home. Pretty tired, had a long ass day. A nice adventure. I wrapped my dad's present, and put it in a box. I bought him a polo shirt, & I was gonna buy him shorts too but it was hella expensive, but after wrapping it, I put it on top of his bed for him to open when he gets home from work. And I guess you can say what's different about today was, I hardly talked to my best today...Actually, at in-n-out when I was waiting for my food, I thought about him and felt pretty sad because I knew I could've been talking to him, but yeah. Hm, I miss him, but you gotta just do what you have to dooo. Anyways, I'm pretty tired, so I guess I'll end it here. Gnite, thanks for reading.

Kthxbyeee.

Yeah,

Just another chapter...

The Unexpected,

Speechless, I can't even put into words of my reaction right now. It's pretty deep what you said, only with that, hard...But what can you do ? I understand where your getting at, I now realized that you are hurting too, from hiding whats from your heart and what you've been wanting to express. I guess it all comes around that time, when somethings never last. Man, I don't even know what to say right now, but yeah. Honestly, it kinda hurts to know what's gonna happen now, I don't blame you, and I know you never wanted to hurt me from the words you have written. But its the only way out I guess, for the both of us.

Like you said, we shared that special kind of relationship, and I'm glad to call you my bestfriend. You've taught me alot along the way, showed me things I've never seen before, and proved me things I've never thought I'd imagine. You were that person I could talk to when no one else was there, and you were the only one who ever knew my situation, the only one who could've relate to it. But it's hard, I understand. So I shall stop with what I do and leave you alone to do your thing. It's hard to let go of something I hold close, and something I grew to so fast, but it'd only hurt if it goes on as it does. Wow, I can't even explain words for you right now, but let's just say you had your ways with me. You showed me how much you really care for me, and for that you have to let go of me. I thank you for the ALL SAINTS BRACELET, I will keep this dearly, and take care of it, as it is the only thing, thats close to YOU.

I have alot more to say but, it's hard getting it into words. And from now, I don't want you getting hurt from me, because all these times, you've only made me happy and hurting me was the last thing you'd do. So I want to return the favor, and hurt you no longer, and that I'd only want to make you happy with your decision and not look back at this as a regret. Because theres no room for regrets right ? Yeah, you teached me that too. But lets just say, you were never a probllem between our relationship [me&him], because the things we came upon were just between us two. Exactly why I didn't want to put you in that position because I didn't want to come upon that problem. So don't think the things we go through is because of you, because its not. You already know how I feel and its not because of you, it's because of him. I take your words and try to make the best of our time, but seriously, it doesn't come to that point where I enjoy it anymore. So yeah, is this the end of our book ? Because I don't really know what to say about it, until you tell me what you think.

It was fun while it lasted, I guess there is always that turning point. All I just want to say is, thank you, thank you for everything you've done for me, and everything you've teached me. Thank you for showing me a true bestfriend, and how it felt to have one close during the times were rough. Hah, you came close to seeing something that you've wanted to see me do, yet not in a bad way, but a good way. But I hold it in, and I guess it's just something for next time. So, your prolly reading this as I left, cause like you said, we have to cut off all communications. I'm sad, but its all understanding, no need to regret what you have done, for the better right ? Idk why it hurts so much, but it's just something to get used to for now on, I guess this is the end. Take care, work hard, you got alot for yourself, don't mind me, I'll be fine. As long as I have this bracelet, I know I'm not alone. I guess this is the end. Love you Best, goodbye.

For you,

So here is the poem from me to you :]

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Now this is a story
about me and you.

Started off with a
"Hi" and "Bye"
Now were off to
Morning walks and late talks.

Wake up calls to goodnight lullabys
From smiley faces to things unexpected
Proflavonol to Nutrition bars
What more can I ask for ?

The things you do
just to make me happy
Or the "surprises" that would've came
if it only worked for us two.

You only want what's best for me
to teach me from right from wrong
And just know,
I'm always here for you
through no matter what goes wrong.

Because remember,
we share that special
kind of relationship.
From Best to Besty
WE stick together like,
Milk and Cookies.

Part 2 in the next blog, because its too long x]

For you, Pt.2

Continued...

Began a book without any pages
Now here we are
filling in the spaces.

We have quite the experiences together
From ChubbyBunny to LONG surveys
Now onto this poem...

You've brought me on top of the world
to see the most beautiful view
with my own two eyes.

You teached me nothings impossible
and learned to never bet with you
because you'll always prove me wrong.

As time flys,
we come up with new chapters
each with its own special meaning
As it brings us closer to eachother
Learning new things about one another

And here we are
another chapter in our book
With many more to come.

THE END

I loooooooove my Best <3 :]

Mission Peaks,

Because I was on top of the WORLD today <3

SpringBreak,

Ooooweee, springbreak ! It's going pretty good right now, went to my friend's quince, and then a funktion last night. Not bad to start it off, now I just can't wait for friskooo, and morning walks with the Best. I hope this break goes as I imagined it or planned, I'm being too lazy to do my project and the rest of my hw, ugh. Sooo bad, ima end up doing it last minute, I already know. But it's watever. I'm hella bored right now though, waiting for my dad to wake up, I want TuttiMelon x] Ohh yeahh, I finally get to go back on myspace and drinking soda if i NEED to. The first night I went back on myspace, oh gosh it was like a frienzyyy, I was all over everyones myspaces and stuff, tryna update. And now I stay on, because it's break and if anyone wants to chill, they can hit me up on myspace hahhahah ! Anyways, I guess I'll stop bloggging, I don't feel like writing anymore.

Kthxbyeeee !

How,

How is it that I can let go of someone because of who they are ? Does that make sense ? Just because the way he is, I feel like I can't do anything, I try everything, or ALMOST everything, just to get away from HIM. I don't know what to do anymore. We've already came SO CLOSE to our ending, and sometimes when I thought it was officially done. But no, I was wrong, as always, as every other ending. I'm tired of what I'm going through, and I can't wait till my fuse to blow, because then I'll have the strength to just say it in his face, and I won't have any regrets at all. I feel nothing, nothing at all. We both have seperate minds, both with different thoughts and feelings. I've seen myself going through another path a LONG time ago, but if it wasn't for how he is and what we have/had, I would've been gone a couple steps back. But here I am, still in this stupid hole, trapped, no where to go, but to go with the flow. What am I to do ? I want to love you, to have those feelings like before, but I just can't. Its not there anymore...But you want to deny that, because I know realize it too. I always give you what you want, just to make YOU happy, but I can't have what I want, or anything to make me happy, because all I wanted was for you to understand me and let me be, but you won't let that happen, by all means, you'll keep me in your little hole for as long as I can go. You kept me for too long, that you've become selfish and never wanted to let me go. But as time comes, I'll won't take your crap any longer.

Btw, don't worry Best. I got it, don't worry about me with this situation, I don't want you worrying about me. These situations are just stuff I needa handle on my own, I'll take care of it sooner or later, when the time comes. Thanks for the advice though and what not.

Blaaaaah, enough about this though.

Penny for your Thoughts,

Because I dig his words :]

Pretty Chill,

It was a pretty chill day today, not too bad to start off my springbreak. First I walked with UsanaMan, hhahaa I hella didn't want to go to school this morning, and he noticed. 1st period was alright, toke a quiz, I was kinda confident, it wasn't as bad as I thought, but I didn't get some parts but it was all good. As I got a progress report sheet to see what my grades were in that class, I was suprised and proud of myself, my grade was raised up and I was hella happy, and even happier because I was pretty confident with this quiz and how it can bump my grade up to something better. It turned my mood around and I was ok after that.

2nd period was chill, watched a movie and toke notes, since it was my filipino class, we were watching a movie about food and it made me hella hungry and made me miss the PI a little. It kinda sucks how I'm not going anymore, I was so excited for that time and was so ready to go, but things changed and we weren't going anymore, bummer "/

3rd was great, we listened to the rest of the poems people needed to speak out. And Ms.Cross had a guest speaker for us, she came in, plus with another class that wanted to join us. I forgot her name but that girl was spittinn` some good slam. She inspired me, with someone with no experience at all, with no interest from the beginning, she came so far and got so good to what she put effort in after awhile. After a few spoken word from her, they talked about her history and clubs at school. They were interested in making a club next year for some slam poetry/art, etc. My teacher was interested in me and some other kids, and that made me think about what I wanted to do and if I wanted to put effort in. Poetry has really grabbed my attention these days, and I was figuring if I really have the talent for it. I still think now, but for now I'm gonna write as much as I can, to keep my interest strong.

4th was alright, someone flaked on the whole class, and was supose to bring us cake, but she didn't. They got us all hyped too, but thanks to Janine, she was the only one who brought something, chips x] While we ate that, we were supose to watch a video and answer questions, but something random came to my head as I was thinking of last period, and so I wrote it down, ignoring my classwork. And you can read what I wrote below this blog. After I was done, I told Janine to see what I wrote just suddenly because it was pretty suprising to me that I wrote a whole page in just moments without hesitation. She said it was hella good, and it felt good to know. And it made me wonder, could this be something I can really do ? Idk if it would be a main priorety, or just something on the side, but I'm pretty confident on what I'm doing now.

Lunch was ok, I wanted to go home by then, but by the time I called my dad, he was already in Milpitas with my Granny. So I said nevermind. I chilled with my "babies" hahah, and just talked about whatever, then went to 6th period.

During 6th period, we had a sub, she was alright. We had a timed persuasive essay, and she gave us the opportunity to use our ipods since the subject we had to write about was about music and what not. Just when I had my mind set on what I wanted to write, the was a stupid fire. No wonder why some of my classmates were asking if we smelled something burning, and next thing you know you see a guy come in the classroom saying there was a fire, and everyone, as they are, were screaming and being hella immature, we grabbed our stuff and went outside. It was kinda funny cause most of us were like in the mode/roll of writing and had our minds set to what we wanted to write, so it was kind of a bummer. I was hopeing the fire alarm would last till 7th because I DID NOT want to go to track, since it was getting pretty hot by that time, and I just wanted to chill for our last day of school for springbreak. I got a poem from Best, it was cute and funny. The ending was interesting but its all good.

7th came, and man it was hot & irritating. We had a sub for that class, and as always, no one dresses or cares to dress, and subs for that class DO NOT know how to take roll, so everyone just huddles around the sub and wait for their name to be called. I got pretty irritated because people who use my crap don't respect it, so I got pretty pissed and just tried to ignore them as I layed on the turf since we weren't doing anything. I tried taking a nap, but there was these two guys "wrestling". It was pretty funny, they were playing around and stuff, everyone just watched them mess around, but after awhile, it started getting rough. You know how most boys get, they can take some things serious and make a big deal out of it, their "wrestling" became something that didn't even look like it, and the guy got pretty ticked of what the other guy was doing to him since he just kept going at him. It was pretty hilarious, but the guy toke it seriously because I guess he was pissed, and wanted to fight him all of the sudden. The sub had to stop it, so I guess it was a good 10mins or so. After that, we left.

Me and Terahlyn left early as usually, chilled at the front as we waited for everyone else. Collins & Stace called to chill, I wasn't sure because my friend wanted to come over, I didn't know what to do. I wanted to do both, but I'm sorry for what I did. But I mean, I can always chill with her, and if I chilled with Collins and Stace, we were gonna get food, and plus they were like BEGGING any BUGGING me to go, so I went.

Chilling with Stace and Collins is like the funnest thing ever lmaoo. We dropped off Devon, and was figuring out what to eat since Stace owed me food, and so it was my choice, there was soo many choices, but we decided to go to Costco lmao x] As we got there, we ate like all the free samples, going through almost every aisle, getting a BIG bag of BAGS of shrimp chips, and FERRERO ROCHER chocolates, omg. I love Collins, we figured we liked the same chocolates and what not, since he's my sponser, I should might as well get to know him more and what not, it was interesting, and Stace, choking on her chimichanga since she ate the napkin with it hahhah ! Collins bought me chicken bake, and I ate half of it because I was already kinda full from all the samples we ate lol. We left to go to Starbucks, as we were on the freeway, it was lightweight traffic, but as we were driving, Stace got a text and was about to read it until me and Collins were yelling because we were going straight towards a car that braked, and Stace jumped and braked hella hard, my chickenbake flew across my seat and my head bobbed as Collins almost hit his head too hahah. It was pretty crazy after that, we were all relieved, and I ended up texting for Stace since she didn't want that happening again lol.

At Starbucks, we got some drinks, I got the usually specialty, and VENTI too x] Thanks to Stace, and we headed back to the church. Me and Stace chilled in the car, waiting for others, as Collins left to prepare. We talked about some stuff, like emmaus, retreat, basketball, and alla that stuff. And I guess she didn't get the memo that I had to go home, since I guess Collins didn't tell her -_- So we had to leave last minute to drop me off, and I'm sorry for that. And now I regret for not staying there and saving the hassle, because what I thought I was sacrificing is now going to waste, and I could've been at church. Hm, regret now ? But it's something I have to realize and let go.

So here I am, I've been blogging the whole time a little after I got home. I don't know what to do, I was thinking of writing some poems, or do most of my hw since I have some free time, I feel like taking a nap though, so I might do that also if I fall asleep on my bed, but yeah. This is ALOT and I think this is the MOST I've wrote in a blog. I think ima stop here though, I'm pretty tired, so I guess I'll just save the rest of my words for some other blog. Should read my little poem below too and tell me what you think.

Kthxbyeeeee !

Over Believer,

So here's a little something I made during class, it was pretty random, but I hella just thought about it and I really wanted to write it down, so I paid attention to my mind and what it wanted to say rather than my classwork that I was supose to be doing that time x]

I think I've come to my point to where,
I ask myself what am I gonna do with my life.
So many opportunities,
so many things I want to do.
What do I pursue ?
A new year is only more than half,
a year from now.
Where will I be ?
What will I do ?
There so much for myself,
I think it's time for sacrifice,
and to figure what I know and,
want to do.
Chances here and there.
What can I do ?
I've already taken a step,
now another ?
Am I moving too fast ?
Am I taking to many chances ?
How do I balance ?
So many talents, so many interest.
What am I to choose ?
Relax, Breathe, Think.
Straighten my mind and body,
and take one step at a time.
Over achiever ? Nah, over believer,
because I believe I can do anything,
if I put my mind and effort to it.
So I take my time to write this off my head,
and not pay attention,
to what I have to do instead.

& yeah, that was just a little something, I was inspired by my class before the class I was writing this in, and the guest speaker was pretty dope. And I thought about what I've been writing these days, and I felt motivated by it and what I've been interested in. SlamPoetry or poems itself can be powerful, and the words we write can be things meant to be said out in the world. I thought someday my words can be said, but we will see as time goes, but for now, I feel like writing.

Thanks for reading :]

- Raaaanii

I believe in you,

Your very welcome Best. And I'll always believe in you, no matter what it is you do, because I have faith in you, and I believe you can do anything x] I'm always here for you, as your always here for me. So whenever there is a day you need cheering up, I'm always here to turn it all arooound haha. You deserved it today, because you worked so hard, and I understand. Oh, & thank you for the loooovely dinner xD All you can eat, woohoooo. You know just how to feed me huh ? LMAO ! But anyways, it was funn. You always know how to make my day, or to make it even better. Thaaaaanks Bessssst, your the bestestetest. GO USANA MAN ! lol, I believe in you, you can do it YEAH ! lol. Well its late now, I should be sleeping since I have to make "taron" tomorrow morning hahhah. Gnite, love yooou.

Kthxbyeeeeeee.

World today ?

Just a poem I had to write for LifeSkills, I think it's pretty weak but its whatever. Here you go,

What’s up with the world today
Economic disasters to war with no end
Where’s the communication ?
How about the ones without homes,
Sleeping on the streets without no clothes
Are they heard ?
There are always questions,
Questions with no answers.
Be heard and speak out,
Be the answers !
You can be the change,
The change of a new beginning
A new beginning of a new world.
Stop the violence, and increase the peace.
Don’t start later, start now.
Stop the struggles we face today,
Save the lives killed each day.
Why have war, when the world
Can be such a better place without it ?
Losing money, houses, our lives ?
How can we live with the crisis ?
Just living life to wake up each day,
Smell the breeze and notice what’s
Going on in the world today.
just Be grateful you don’t have,
To wake up in their shoes each day.
Because its not everyday you,
Hear the gunshots of men and children,
Even the cries of women right beneath them.
Their struggles for food and water,
Just be thankful you come home,
With food on the table.

Lucky,

Your lucky, why ? Because your lucky that I don't treat you the way you treat me. I have that choice to do so, but you know what ? I choose not too. Like what USANA Man said, step up and be the better person, and don't go down their level. As much as I wanted to do so, I'd rather not waste my time with that and worry about you. I don't care what you do, but its just the things you do to me. The things you do to me ticks me off, but once you start doing it yourself, and when I become in your shoes, I don't do the same things that you do to me. Why ? Because I'm not like that, I'd choose not to be like that because that's not how I am. But its whatever, as usual. Just something I need to pass by and forget. Because my time isn't worth thinking about the negative things. WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO SHOW THE POSITIVE ? Because I wantneed it, more than anything. It's always this part of my life where it wasn't/isn't to the fullest. It once was, but it's draining. What happend ? I've told you things have changed and isn't the same anymore, but you would'nt listen. Just know that your lucky, realize what you have, and make the best of it. Be true to your word and do it, don't just say BS all the time. I'm getting tired of you not realizing what you have, and the things you do can sometimes hurt inside. But you never take the time to see what you are doing until the end when things go bad, that's when I feel all bad, but you just never seem to REALIZE how I feel and what I'm going through. I wish you get that into your head, because lost inside. And the longer things go like this, the worst things are gonna get. Damn, where am I ?!

Cleannn,

Blah,

So why is it I only think of the negative things of you, of us ? For some reason I can never say anything so positive...Tell me why this is so ? Because I have no idea why. I try hard to only enjoy the time we spend, to cherish the moments we have ? But tell me why it never seems to fall that way, and every outcome always ends up as "Why?" I think i'm lost, confused, just lost in your world. Following you wherever you go. What am I doing ? Am I only hurting myself ? More and more by every step I take, deeper into the hole, just lost in darkness. I can't believe I really feel this way, when I shouldn't. Is it me, or is it you ? Feelings I can't deny, and I can't lie about. Someday, I already know I need to let it out. Time isn't right, why ? Because I'm still waiting for that turning point, and when will that be ? Until you show me I'm all wrong and what I say isn't worth saying. But for now, your the only reason why I express myself this way, almost everyday, whenever I end up with you. How we feel about eachother is two different things, what happend to ONE ? I wanna open my eyes and smell the breeze. But how ? I don't want to feel this way, I only want to live the fullest with what I have. But how can I when what I feel everyday is this ? I see no difference, its the same everytime. I'm tired of expressing myself like this, when will I be able to express the good things ? I only have questions, questions with no answers...

OTHER THAN THAT, deng, where else am I in life ? I don't know what else to say, life is life. I WANT to say my life is GREAT, so great I couldn't ask for anything more in the world. But what more can I say, than just how it is. But lets not think about the big things now, I don't want to be stressing over it. I guess I'll just focus on the little things. Weekend is almost over, hmph school tmrw. One more week and its finally springbreak. I can use a break from things and just chill. I guess I'm done here, I don't feel like blogging anymore. Gnite,

Kthxbyeee.

Abril,

Haha, so it's the 3rd day of April. & this is my first blog for this month. Time goes by pretty fast, I remember it was only like 2 months ago when I thought April was hella far, now its finally here. Just when I thought I WAS going to the PI, now i'm not even going anymore "/ But oh well, my dad wants to go on a cruise now o_O Ooweee, something new I guess. We've always talked about going to Atlantis & stuff over there in the Bahamas lol. Yet other than that, springbreak is coming up and i'm hella juiced. Friskooooooo here we come ! Aha, I hope it comes through. Just rolling deep with friends, on a nice chill day at the city, what more can you ask for right ? Alot has been happening lately I guess, I missed Powderpuff today, hella sad, but its whatever though, I can't wait till its our time, J&S got me excited for our year to come for Powderpuff. But other than ruining my fun for tonight, I won't let that happen tomorrow, because I AM going to HIN. I've been looking for this, and I'm going lmaoo. I also can't forget to pick up an EMMAUS application. Oh yes, finally. Speaking of church, I have to go to rehearsals next week for mass. I'm going to get my feet washed by the priest ? For one of the masses, as Collins said. Hm, what else is happening...Oh, SpringFling is coming up in 2 weeks, man I don't even know about that one. Maybe just another no show, cause I wouldn't want anyone getting mad *ahem. But still selling tickets. After that is Springbreak, and I was supose to go to the PI the week after that. But nooooo, just couldn't. After alla this, its already what ? May ? Wow, this month is gonna fly by, I already know, this week already felt like it, so yeah.

What to do, I can't even explain words for you. I'm still walking down the road of emptiness. Like I've always said, I sacrifice things to make YOU happy, as much as I want to do things. What can I do ? I don't take your offers, I only ask you WHY ? But for me, I'm just living with it till the end. Whenever comes the end, it will BE the end. I won't walk in this empty road anymore, but just hope for something good to come by. Other than that, I don't know what else to say to you, or what I think of you, how I think of us ? Because I've said it more than enough times before, and nothings changed. I remember you told me something earlier, I was dissapointed in you. How can you say things and do things that would at least bring you somewhere, and just let it all go ? You really don't care do you ? You couldn't even tell me, even if you said you didn't tell anyone. Wtf ? You just let another opportunity go, and NOW what are YOU gonna do ? You think what you have now is gonna provide for you the rest of your life ? Get with the program dude, life isn't easy as you think it is and your gonna let something as important go by. I mean, if I were to take back what I just said, it wouldn't matter, because I'd still be pissed about things YOU said, saying your gonna do this & that, get this and accomplish that. Now thats all BS now, thats disappointing to me, and you think I'm not gonna be affected by that ? I bet not even me, but people close to you were expecting big things from you, they'd probably feel the same way I do. After pushing you all that time, hoping to see you pursue something, gone....

Ahh, its watever, I have better things in life to worry about and look foward too, I won't even think about it. I guess thats enough for tonight, until next time. Thanks for reading, byeeeee !